Reincarnation
by Lazra
Summary: Zack helps Seph get a second chance. :: Yeah, it's just some silliness my brain came up with. Totally AU, probably OOC too.
1. Reincarnation

Sephiroth was bored sitting around in the afterlife, and frankly he was mad.

Apparently when you die and return to the Lifestream, you merge with it and gain all the knowledge and memories of those who passed before you. However you still retain a sense of "you" and that all those other memories are "them".

So he was quite pissed that he had to die in order to learn that people usually grow up with their families and not in a lab run by a psycho scientist. That normally kids play games and sports, and laugh, and run around, and watch tv, and make mischief, and a million other things. They don't get poked with needles every day (multiple times if the psycho was in a bad mood, _multiple_ multiple times if he was in a good one) or hooked up to machines measuring his brain activity, his muscle activity, how much he could lift, how fast he could run, how quick were his reflexes, etc, etc, etc

While he was living, Sephiroth knew others who spoke of family, but he'd always assumed that even if they lived with their kin that a lab was nearby for _their_ psycho to handle them.

But no, Seph was alone in his lab-run childhood. Even Angeal and Genesis, his genetically altered brethren, had grown up with family and playtime and all those childish things.

Seph had Hojo. Whoop-de-fucking-doo

"Heiya, buddy!" came the cheerful voice of Zack. "Why so glum?"

Seph kinda wanted to punch him. Unfortunately, lacking a physical form meant he had no fist and Zack had no face, so instead he sulked some more and ignored the younger man.

"Come OOOoooon," Zack singsonged as he brushed around Seph. "You know I won't leave until you answer me."

Seph huffed and sent Zack a crackle of energy to push him away.

Zack crackled back (the Lifestream equivalent of blowing a raspberry) and began flitting and bouncing around Seph. "Sephy-Seph! SephSephSeph! SEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeph!"

Seph crackled again then hunched back into himself. "W'naply," he muttered dejectedly.

Zack stopped flitting. "What was that?"

"I WANNA PLAY!" Sephiroth wailed with enough anger, frustration, and sadness to send Zack skittering off much more effectively than an energy crackle.

But Zack didn't go far. When you died, you got the memories of the Lifestream, but the Lifestream got your memories in return.

He sidled back up to Seph, brushing against him in a comforting way. Sephiroth shrugged him off in a token resistance, but didn't complain when Zack brushed him again.

"I want to play," he said. "I want to catch a ball and ride a bike and get sunburned on a fishing trip." He turned to the slip of energy that was Zack. "I want a normal life, Zack. I've always wanted a normal life. In fact that's what I thought I had until Jenova came into the picture, and then I thought following her would _get_ me a normal life." He laughed without humor. "I had to die before I even found out what 'normal' was"

Zack nuzzled and shifted around Seph. It was as close to a hug as he could manage.

"Well then," Zack said after a time, "we'll just have to do something about all of this, won't we?"

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Zack?" Sephiroth was dubious about the "normal" of being crammed in a testicle with a few million sperm. "I'm not even related to him."

"Relax, Sephykins. All we gotta do is win this little race, and you get a new familya _real_ family."

Zack was crammed in beside him. He had come up with the brilliant idea of reincarnation. Just zoom into some random scrotum and focus yourself into a physical form - _boom_, you're a sperm. Of course instead of a random person, Zack had chosen his old friend and Seph's old enemy, Cloud.

Sephiroth had his reservations about Zack's choice. Then Zack had pointed out that Cloud was once in Hojo's clutches and would probably rather gut a doctor than let one just randomly poke his kid with needles. That alone made Cloud an okay dad by Seph's reckoning.

Sephiroth reached across and smacked Zack with his tail. "Don't call me 'Sephykins'."

"Ow! Okay okay. Ease off the whip action, will ya."

Zack and Seph pushed their way towards the front of the group and waited.

* * *

"This is it! You ready?"

"I was ready the last two times, Zack!"

It turned out that with reincarnation, like many other activities, timing was everything.

Their first attempt had failed because Cloud was simply masturbating. Seph, Zack, and their millions of potential siblings had gone down the shower drain and back to the Lifestream.

The second try ended up going down his wife's throat.

This time they had waited until they were sure of his sexual position before joining the party.

"He's taking his sweet time," Zack groused.

"Hmph," was the only reply Sephiroth could think of. Actually, he was trying to not think of anything right now. The concept of "Cloud having sex" had never really occurred to him. Now it was coupled with the idea of "My parents are having sex", and Seph was happy he didn't have a digestive system yet.

Eventually they heard the telltale moans of a satisfied woman. They didn't have to wait long for Cloud's release.

"Woohoooo!" Zack shouted as he surfed the current of the ejaculation.

"Zack, watch out!" Sephiroth managed to turn to avoid a head-on collision.

Zack stared at the barrier. "A condom!? Cloud, you idiot! We're trying to accomplish something here!" he railed, then slumped in defeat. "Back to the Lifestream, I guess."

"No." Sephiroth put himself headfirst into the latex and whipped his tail for all he was worth. He may not call Jenova his mother anymore, but he still had the benefit of her genes. Quickly he broke through, and the rest followed his lead.

"Go, Sephy!" Zack whooped as they swam through the womb. "Uh-ohWhich way now?"

The sperm began splitting off to head for the fallopian tubes.

"You take the right. I'll go left."

Zack bumped him affectionately. "Good luck!"

They both sped off easily gaining distance on the others.

* * *

Cloud shuddered with the last remnants of his orgasm. He rolled away from Tifa to enjoy the afterglow of their lovemaking.

She turned to him and nuzzled into his shoulder. She reached down to remove the condom (and hopefully tease her husband into using another one). As she pulled it off, she saw the white stickiness on it and a tiny hole in the middle.

"Uh, Cloud"

* * *

Sephiroth settled comfortably into the blood-rich lining of his mother's womb. He was a happy little zygote and already up to a few hundred cells.

Now in the lining, he was a little happier to be getting a regular food supply for his stay.

"Yo, bro!" came an unexpected voice.

"Zack?!"

"Yep. Looks like fraternal twins runs in Tifa's family." Zack floated lazily into the womb's lining and settled in. "Ahlife is good."

* * *

"Pizza!"

"Asparagus!"

"PIZZA!"

"ASPARAGUS!"

"You like the nastiest stuff, Seph." Zack shook his not-quite-formed head at his brother.

"At least I have our health in mind. You can't even _taste_ your precious pizza. Why do you insist on Tifa eating it?"

"'Mom', Seph. She's our mom. And it's the principle of the thing."

Sephiroth rolled his teeny eyes at Zack.

Zack fell back to his favorite activity of turning around and mooning Seph.

* * *

"Baby, it's 3am. I don't think any pizza places are open."

"You can go to the 24 hour grocery store and get a frozen pizza. You need to go there for the asparagus anyway."

Cloud looked into the pleading eyes of his beloved and knew he'd be in deep shit if he refused her.

"All right. Call me if you think of anything else."

Tifa kissed him lovingly as he put on his coat.

She called several times that night, and Cloud ended up filling his bike's compartments with pizza, asparagus, chocolate, pickles, crackers (regular and unsalted), and as much grape soda as he could cram in or strap on top.

* * *

"Whoah! What the.!"

Zack found himself suddenly squished.

"I think it's a contraction," Sephiroth concluded as they were released.

Zack huffed. "A real one this time, or more false alarms?"

"Well if you're in such a rush, we'll make it real." He kicked hard, forcing himself towards the exit.

"Hell yeah!" Zack followed suit and kicked enthusiastically. "I can't wait to see the look on Cloud's face when he sees us!"

Another kick tore Zack's placenta.

* * *

"My water just broke! Get your ass home NOW!!" click _You have no new messa--_

Cloud snapped his phone shut, gunned Fenrir to life, and turned back to Edge.

* * *

"Seph! I think I'm stuck!"

"You're not stuck, dipweed."

The top of Zack's head was against the birth canal, but it wasn't dilated enough for his passage.

"You just have to wait this out."

"Wait it out?! This is all your fault! It was your dumb idea in the first place!" He pointed at Seph accusingly.

Seph was unphased. "Actually my idea was to sit around the Lifestream and sulk for eternity. Reincarnation was your idea, genius." He smiled wickedly. "I must say I'm enjoying myself immensely. Thank you."

Unable to turn around and moon him, Zack settled for flipping him off.

* * *

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!" Tifa screamed as Cloud entered the hospital room.

Knowing any other response would get him killed, Cloud simply smiled lovingly at her and took her hand. "Yes, dear."

He held her, soothed her, coached her. Then the doctor announced that the first one was coming. Cloud saw a dark head emerge.

The doctor eased the rest of the little body out. "It's a boy," he announced and was promptly peed on and screamed at. The nurses finished cleaning him up and passed him to his parents.

Cloud laughed when he saw his son. He had Tifa's dark hair, but now dry, it stood out in whispy spikes like his father.

Then he opened up bright Mako-blue eyes and gazed at his dad. He opened his mouth to scold his parents for the long wait and rough handling, but only managed a belch.

"Nice to meet you tooZack."

* * *

The first stirrings of trepidation came as he watched Zack's feet disappear down the tunnel. Sephiroth was alone now and he didn't like it one bit.

He quickly kicked and tore through his own placenta to get out. Timing his movements with the contractions, he made his way down.

The first thing to greet him was a pair of hands. _Dad? Is this my dad?_

More hands flew over him, cleaning him off. Something was jammed into his mouth to suck out the amniotic fluids.

__

Dad! I don't like this! Make them stop! DADDY!

Seph cracked open his eyes and found himself looking at a man in a white coat and face mask.

__

You're not my dad! You're a **doctor**!

Sephiroth wailed in fear as they cut his umbilical cord and bundled him up.

A nurse took him and started walking. Where were they going to take him? Where were his parents? Where was _Zack?!_

He wailed harder and kicked as he was passed off to another person.

Cloud looked down at his second son and softly crooned reassuring things to him. He had the palest blond hair andgreen cat-eyes? Cloud blinked at that, and inwardly he cursed Shinra and Hojo for their genetic meddling.

Outwardly, he smiled at his son and held him so his mother could see him. "WellI named Zack. What'll we name this one?"

Tifa cuddled her second baby until he stopped fussing. "Seamusafter my father."

Cloud nodded, and they cooed over him a bit longer. Then the nurse took him for a proper cleaning, weighing, and measuring before taking him to the viewing room to be with his brother while his mother got some rest.

* * *

All of AVALANCHE was assembled to see the twin children of Cloud and Tifa Strife.

"Is that them?! Are they here yet?"

Several annoyed glances went her way, but Yuffie ignored them easily. She pressed her face into the glass.

A nurse came in and placed a second blue bundle into the cradle labeled "Strife".

"Booyah! Spikey is da man!" Barrett boomed.

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like having a daughter is a waste of good sperm or something."

"#& OF COURSE NOT!" The nurse shot him a dirty look. "Of course not," he said in a lower voice. "I _have_ a daughter you know."

"Yeah, yeahHow long do they have to stay in there?"

"The doctors are running blood tests on them now," Vincent supplied. "When they've cleared Tifa and the children as being in good health, they'll take them back to Tifa's room. Once Tifa has rested, they can all go home."

Yuffie nodded. Everyone was quiet as they gazed at the new Striflings.

"Is it just me, or does that one look like Sephiroth?"

* * *

Zack sniggered as they brought Seph into the viewing room.

__

Heiya, Seamus!

__

Fucking bite me, Seph groused.

* * *

The next day, Seph found himself being held and rocked by his mother while he suckled his supper and she sang a soft melody to him.

Nearby, Cloud was burping an already-fed Zack and waiting for him to close his eyes to put him down for bedtime.

__

Hey, Zack Seph thought sleepily.

__

Yeah, bro?

__

This family stuff is pretty nice.

Zack yawned and stuck a thumb in his mouth. _It sure is_ he replied before finally nodding off.


	2. Solid Food

****

Notes: Yeah, I said I wouldn't do more, but the plotbunny was fierce.  
**Notes2: **No, I don't have kids of my own, and this is probably totally inaccurate as to "how baby-feeding progresses", but meh, I thought it was a cute idea.

* * *

Little Seamus Strife (aka General Sephiroth in his past life) pouted miserably up at his mother.

He and Zack (the little bastard got to keep his old name) were seated together in the twin high chair. Their parents were seated in front of them with little jars and little spoons in hand.

According to Seph's stomach, it was dinner time, but something was up, and Seph was sure he wasn't going to like it. Usually, Tifa took them each in turn and sat in the rocker while they nursed. This spoon-jar-sitting business did not bode well. He wanted boob, dammit.

So he pouted while Zack looked around eagerly. That was their fundamental difference, he mused. Zack was the extrovert who liked new things, new people, new everything. New Good. Whereas _he_ was the introvert, who liked things the way they were thankyouverymuch, so don't go changing things up. New Bad.

__

Seph, lookit! enthused Zack. _We're getting applesauce!_

Seph looked, and indeed, a picture of an apple graced the little jars. _Don't care,_ he shot back. _I want dinner, not applesauce._

This **is** dinner.

No, it's not. It's sugared bribery to get us to stop drinking milk.

SUGAR!! Zack slapped his hands on the table and squealed with delight. _SugarSugarSuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugar!_

"Whoa, somebody's ready for dinner," Cloud chuckled. He removed the lid, scooped out a bit of sauce, and put the spoon into Zacky's waiting mouth.

__

Oh god...oh god, Seph. It's sugar...high fructo-whatchadilly...sugar...Zack practically hummed his pleasure as he gummed around the spoon, even attempting to grab it as Cloud pulled away.

__

And here I thought all that boundless energy you displayed in combat was pure personality...perhaps an adrenal disorder of some sort.

Nope. Coffee, chocolate, and soda by the gallon.

You know it's going to years before you can have coffee aga--What the-?! Seph's line of thought broke as Tifa put the spoon in his mouth. Seph swallowed the sticky congealed mass reflexively...and burst into wailing tears.

"Ohhhhh..." Tifa crooned in sympathy. "It's okay, sweetie. It's apples. It's good and _sooo_ nummy."

She continued to baby talk to him, but Seph wasn't having it. He continued to wail, and when she stuck another spoonful in his open mouth, he spit it out and wailed louder.

The noise cured Zack of his sugar trance. _Dude, chill. This is good stuff. Besides, you wanna stay on a liquid diet forever?_

YES! he screamed and thumped his fist on the table for emphasis. _I want to sit in the chair with Momma and drink._

Zack ate another spoonful. _Uhm...face it, man, were growing up. We're a decade and a half away from seeing titties again._

After several more unsuccessful attempts, Tifa sighed and cleaned Seph's face. "Maybe he's just not ready."

"Maybe," Cloud agreed. "Let me try."

They switched seats. Tifa continued to feed an eager Zacky. Cloud faced his once-nemesis on this strange new battlefield.

Seph had quieted when his parents had stood. He was still clearly miffed, but at least he wasn't screaming. Cloud pulled him out of the chair and held him in his lap. "Okay, buddy, here's the deal. The two of you are big enough for solid food now. See how much Zacky likes it? And you're getting too big for Momma to hold and feed like she used to. I know new stuff can be scary, but you gotta do it. Okay? Okay."

He kissed the top of his son's head before putting him back into the chair and reaching for the spoon. Seph regarded it dubiously. Cloud placed the full spoon at his mouth, but didn't force it in. Eventually Seph opened up and took the applesauce. He made a face as he swallowed and some sounds of distress afterwards, but he didn't cry again.

Cloud gave him another spoonful, but Seph spit it out. _Gods... Zack, how can you eat this? It's nasty._

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. It's sticky goop. I hate it.

"Here, let's try this." Cloud reached for a second jar: Ham & Gravy.

"But that's for an older baby."

"Sometimes babies hate sugary stuff. Fruits and vegetables all have bit of sugar in them. Mrs. Highwind said to get a meat flavor too, just in case."

"Mrs. Highwind? ... You called Cid's mother?"

Cloud blushed a bit under her amused gaze. "Yeah, well...neither of us has parents to ask about this stuff. Barret didn't get Marlene until after she was potty-trained. And the only people we know who still has an older generation to ask are Yuffie and Cid."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "Yuffie kept asking for materia, and Cid was more than happy to pass along his mother's phone number. Apparently we distract her from harping at Cid about when _he's_ going to have kids."

Cloud took a spoonful of pureed ham and gave it to Seph. It stayed down without fussing or face-making. Cloud smiled triumphantly.

__

Okay, Seph conceded. _It's not that bad._

You love it!

Pfft...as if. It's a decent substitute, I'll admit, but I want milk.

Zack bobbed his head. _Whatever...just eat so we can go play._

They each ate a portion of mushy food, then their parents gave them bottles to wash it down. Seph was much more agreeable to this than a spoon. It wasn't boob, but at least it was milk.

After feeding and burping their sons, Cloud and Tifa put them in the play area with their favorite plushie toys and then sat together on the couch.

Tifa sighed loudly. "As much as I love them, I can't wait for them to be completely weaned."

"Oh?" Cloud cuddled her closer. "Why's that?"

She gave him a look. "Cloud, my breasts were big enough _before_ they became a food court. Now they're just ridiculous. Don't tell me you didn't notice."

"Oh, I noticed..." He gave her a sly grin.

"Pig," she accused and punched him in the shoulder.

He laughed, despite the pain, and swatted her rump.

Seph looked up at them. _Oh gods, they're at it again._

Zack looked up too. _What? They're playing._

Actually, that's called "foreplay". Can't they wait until were unconscious?

Dude, they're not--

Zack broke off as Cloud flipped Tifa onto her back and kissed her soundly. He slipped his hands underneath her shirt and lightly tickled her ribs. She squirmed and giggled under the onslaught. When he dipped a hand into her waistband, she threaded her fingers into his hair and arched into him with a quiet moan.

__

Okay. Yeah, that's gross. Get a room, people!

Zack's gurgle caught Tifa's attention. "Uh, Cloud? We need to stop."

Cloud made an inquisitive sound as he nibbled at her pulse.

"They're _watching_ us," she clarified.

Cloud looked over and found two pairs of glowing eyes blinking up at them. With a small groan, he rolled off of her and helped readjust her shirt. "When's naptime again?"


End file.
